It's the American Poker dream
It's the American Poker dream
Bottom of the 9th, bases loaded, full count, walk-off Grand Slam
2007-07-30
It's the American dream. Bottom of the 9th, bases loaded, full count, walk-off Grand Slam. Last play of the game, down by 6, hail-mary pass caught in the corner of the end zone. 7/10th of a second left on the clock, half-court heaved shot goes in, nothing but net. The legend of the miraculous comeback.
In Poker, we have the same stories. The legend of a chip and a chair. The Cinderella stories of the amateur who plays the perfect day of Poker to beat the pros and win the title. Hitting the one-outer to make a straight flush to crush someone's quads. These are our fairy-tales.
Mike Matusow isn't famous for catching miracle cards on the river to win tournaments. He's famous for hours or days of brilliant play, followed more often than not by the Mike Matusow blow-up. Towers and towers of chips wasted on bluffs and marginal calls.
I myself have accumulated massive fortresses of checks - mighty empires built on the crushed bodies of the conquered - only to fall on my own sword during just before the victory parade. It's one of the most embarrassing things a true player has to own up to.
In order to choke in a truly phenomenal fashion, the instincts of a mere mortal are not sufficient. It requires assistance from the damned - the inner advice one can only get from their very own Poker demons. I'm just not good enough to blow that many chips without supernatural help.
Now, don't turn around too fast, but if you look out of your peripheral vision you just might catch a glimpse of your very own denizens of Poker Hell.
If you want to really set a new standard for self-sabotage, you need only invoke these infernal legions. Poker demons are like all demons - they feed on our faults and fears. The meals they prize the most are when we indulge in the big ones, the seven deadly sins. Read on to see how to make sure you are keeping your suckout succubi full and whispering garbled gutshot-chasing incantations in your ear.
Greed
Like the Poker bible says, "It is harder for a Day One chip-leader to make it to the final table than to pass a camel through the eye of a needle." If you want a fabulous appetizer to toss to Satan's little helpers, it is important to push the action as much as possible when the blinds are small. Don't be content to work within the flow of the game, or to feel out the table - just blindly chase every pot. Besides, you have to win all the chips at some point, right? Might as well be now.
Sloth
This sin is the opposite of the first, but any extreme in style can be disastrous on the felt. Players fond guilty of this sin become so complacent that they refuse to take any risks without premium cards -- even when the levels get to the point where it feels like April 15th every time they hit the big blind. No need to worry, as those aces are bound to come around soon enough. No matter that even when you double up you're where you were two orbits ago, at least you won't be accused of playing crazy cards. Procrastinate on, my disciples of Poker failure, your minions will be well pleased.
Envy
You can't play anyone else's style effectively; you can only play your own. It is a major temptation to attempt to pull off moves or styles that you aren't equipped to use in an important game. We want so badly to be like some of the greats that we don't realize that many of the moves they employ require a level of people-reading skills or math savvy we simply do not have yet. So this is a perfect opportunity to keep your denizens of the dark-side knee deep in kibble - besides, that bluff you're itching to try worked for Daniel Negreanu on TV, right? Earn a super-sized portion by dressing like the object of your envy. Nothing says pro like sitting next to Marcel Luske and wearing your own sunglasses upside down.
Wrath
That donkey-loving jerk who just beat you on the river must PAY. To keep your demons appeased, your course of action is clear. Ignore all other players and signs of strength from your chosen nemesis. He didn't have anything last time, that little freak thinks he can just run all over you. Are you going to let that
Pride
You've got a pristine read on everyone at the table. You know exactly what they're holding. They're not going to read you. There's no reason to change gears. Don't ever question your plays or your reads. Why would you? If your chips are disappearing, it must be bad luck - you certainly aren't being outplayed. A double helping is on the way for your personal axis of evil, with extra hot sauce.
Gluttony
Another round, barkeep! Go ahead and indulge. It's not brain surgery, is it? It's easier to bluff when your eyes are always bloodshot. Jagerbombs are the new energy drink. I know a certain legion of Lucifer who'd be happy to buy you a shot. Yum Yum!
Lust
Lust is by far my favorite of the seven deadly sins. I'm a hot-blooded American man. I can't help but be infatuated with certain hands. Suited connectors are just sexy. There are just too many possibilities. I want to play them from every possible position, if you know what I mean. I can't keep my hands off of them. I'll throw money around just to impress my hole cards, hoping that I'll score by the end of the hand. More often than not, I end up the one getting screwed for chasing. Getting myself married to the wrong hand at the wrong time is a sure way to divorce me from my hard won assets. I'll level with you, my poker demon has a weight problem.
Join me in the shadows. Light a candle and repeat the chant. "Boil, boil, toil and trouble. Play like hell and go out on the bubble."
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